


Brain bleach

by Faust91x (Arthur91)



Category: Mahou Shoujo Madoka Magika | Puella Magi Madoka Magica
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-03
Updated: 2013-03-03
Packaged: 2017-12-04 04:59:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,408
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/706833
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Arthur91/pseuds/Faust91x
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"But you can go back in time! You can just go as many times as you wish until you make it perfect!" If only they knew...</p>
<p>Across the timelines, Homura Akemi has faced many hardships, seen and experienced many things she'd rather forget. If only her powers came with brain bleach...and if only the witches were the only enemy...this story is one of those experiences.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Brain bleach

**Author's Note:**

  * For [ErinPtah](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ErinPtah/gifts), [Measured](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Measured/gifts).
  * Inspired by [Persephone's Waltz](https://archiveofourown.org/works/577310) by [ErinPtah](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ErinPtah/pseuds/ErinPtah). 
  * Inspired by [But The Din In My Head, It's Too Much, And It's No Good](https://archiveofourown.org/works/461382) by [ErinPtah](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ErinPtah/pseuds/ErinPtah). 
  * Inspired by [Secondhand Savior](https://archiveofourown.org/works/685973) by [Measured](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Measured/pseuds/Measured). 



> Hi Faust91x here! This is my first PMMM story, if I manage to disturb you with this story then I'm doing my job right.
> 
> I enjoy Gen Urobuchi's style and Madoka was the first anime series that managed to move me, and Homura is my favorite Puella Magi. Also this got inspired from reading SailorPtah's amazing work "Persephone's Waltz" and wondering how many awful things Homura could have gone through, following her tradition of torturing the characters she loves the most.
> 
> Enjoy!

“Oh” was all she could say as a powerful pain shot through her head making her vision blur. Everything started turning black as she felt her body falling…falling, and with a thud everything was gone…  
Blackness, a void that consumed her very being, an emptiness that nothing could ever fill, that’s all she felt in her state, what had happened? Why was she here? And what was she doing before entering this void?

  
************************************************************************

  
Who was she anyway? Whoever she was it was extremely important she remembered, she felt the urge within her very being, she had to do something, to save someone. She tried to move some limb, anything, expressing the urge to her non existant being. No response. _Just as expected_. She let the void consume her mind as she drifted into slumber. A single thought came in, _Homura_ , good, she remembered who she was, more progress, and then she was gone…

  
************************************************************************

  
Bells, the sound of bells was all she could hear after some time, time was passing so she was not dead, that was something she could comfirm now, the endless tick tock of the internal clock she had acquired after making that regrettable contract that marked her sleepless nights as she planed for the great battle was still there, _good, she could still save Madoka_ , now, if only she could understand where she was it would all be easier…

  
************************************************************************

  
As time passed she started remembering more of it, she struggled with all her might to get an understanding of where she was, across the noise in her mind she remembered to have been going to Kaname-san’s, _no, Madoka’s_ home after a long and tiring week of filling transfer forms to reach her before that damn rat could.

Since she had woken up from the hospital she had done nothing but prepare for the fateful day when they would meet for the 87th time(or was it 88th? She was beginning to lose tabs with the iterations) as she played her drill instructor facade she had carefully begun constructing in order to convince them she was on their side as a friend and would help them reach their full potential and live a happy life, _and hopefully not turn into witches_ , said the more grim part of her mind.

Everything had gone fine, she still felt awkward about presenting herself again, to someone that had been, once in a lifetime long gone, her best friend and wanting to scream to her all that she had gone through, cry with her and embrace her and be told that everything was going to be fine, that it all had been a bad dream, just a nightmare…

“Hello, my name’s Homura Akemi, you can call me Homura” she said as an awe struck Madoka greeted her, _you just have to become cool to match your name!_  Said an old distant friend to Homura from an old memory of the pinkette, as she flipped her hair, mission accomplished.

On this timeline Madoka had become friends with Mami Tomoe earlier than she expected, which was an unexpected development. Homura was still wary of the senior as Mami had tried to kill her seventeen timelines ago, the memory of the betrayal still fresh in her mind. Still, she thought the idea of Mami hanging around Madoka wasn’t that bad as Madoka’s positive influence meant that Tomoe-san would be getting plenty of attention and as such stay stable, and if she was sane and felt herself loved she had less reasons to make Madoka sign a contract. _Everybody deserved second chances after all, don’t they?_ Thought Homura.

 

The void receded somewhat leaving away the feelings of a small headache.

  
************************************************************************

  
Her head was on fire now, every nerve in her body screaming and even though she wanted to scream with all her might she couldn’t move a limb, not even able to confirm if she had a mouth at all. Struggling with the agony and gasping for breath she found an awful smell of trash and rotting meat close to her. _Now the void didn't seem as unpleasant after all,_ was all she could think before another jolt of agony paralyzed her.

************************************************************************

Her head still hurts, a lot, she tries not to think about it and instead focus on her surroundings. If she focuses and ignores the agony, she feels on her skin what seems to be like concrete, that and the overpowering smell of rotting trash and concludes that she must be in some sort of alley in an abandoned and forgotten place, otherwise she would have been taken to the hospital, wouldn’t she? Does anybody see she is in pain? Or are they so cruel and apathic to actually leave her wounded and alone?

“Nice to meet you Mami Tomoe, my name’s Homura Akemi” says her to the newly presented Mami Tomoe. “Tomoe Mami. Nice to meet you” she answers back. Mami doesn’t smile as she’s used to in other timelines. It hurts Homura to see that but she lets it go.

************************************************************************

Another memory comes to her mind, this time she’s on the rooftop of the Mitakihara middle school, the afternoon sun giving a reddish glow to the scenery. There Homura is looking on the horizon, feeling the warm air as her hair swishes by force of the wind, she finds this scenery relaxing. _Such a shame its all going to be destroyed by Walpurgisnacht, in the best of cases,_ she thinks and chastises herself for thinking such depressing thoughts. Not this time, if she can save her then all this agony will be worth it.

She’s so lost in thought that doesn’t notice when a blonde figure enters the rooftop until she’s talked to by Mami Tomoe. “Hey Tomoe-san!, sorry I didn’t notice you” says Homura trying to give a kind smile to her old senior. Mami doesn’t seem to mind the greeting and keeps a serious, _is it scornful?_ Face.

“Stay away from Madoka, shes my friend and I don’t want anyone getting between us” says Mami to Homura’s surprise. The words are so brusque and forward that it leaves her in schock, mouth agape, unable to find the words with which to counter Mami’s statement. This has never happened in any of the previous timelines, why now? Homura thinks and can only ask the question: “Why?”

************************************************************************

She feels hurt, betrayed, she wanted to save them all, but do they really deserve it? Is all she can think right now. She can feel her nerves repairing themselves, slowly, reattaching the severed flesh, disolving the matter that filtered inside, her body (and soul) struggling to combat the infection that must surely have settled insider her brain now as her bullet wound regenerates and she remembers it all, having told Tomoe-san, _no, Tomoe Mami_ , that she would never abandon Madoka and would always be by their side, always. Things had escalated quickly and before they could get more troublesome, Homura had left Tomoe Mami berating her as she left the rooftop and took a walk towards Madoka’s home. _I have to warn her about the Contract and make sure she doesn’t meet Kyubey this time_ was the last thing she thought, as she was crossing an alley on her way towards Madoka’s home something yellow came flying her way, a bullet, or was it a ribbon? She now understood perfectly what it was and wondered how could she be so stupid.

 

Mami Tomoe was hiding on the corner, waiting for her prey to pass and hopefully finish her with one clean shot. No one will take her Madoka, not if she has anything to say about it. The alley was in one of the most obscure parts of the city, no one would notice the corpse for some time and there was no way to link it with her, her magick made sure of it.

The bullet cleanly went through her brain, breaking her very being, disrupting her train of thought and splattering blood and grey matter on the walls of the alley as Homura fell in one quick shot, bits of hair flowing from the gaping hole of a wound the dark haired girl now held on her head, on the street far away one could see the faint smoke of what once had been a silver musket…

************************************************************************

Her senses where slowly returning, the smell was as awful as ever, _is anyone ever going to take out the trash!?!?_ She thought, apparently no one did, ever, otherwise it wouldn’t smell so badly and she would have been found already. She wondered how where things going at school, had Madoka contracted yet? She shuddered at the idea and felt herself tearing up, she was supposed to be there to protect her, she had sworn on it, and what did she do instead? Let herself be ambushed by Tomoe Mami, someone she knew far too well to be unstable and left for dead. She wondered if anyone worried about her wellbeing, did they notice her absence? Did anyone care?

************************************************************************

She found it was possible to dull out the pain if she focused hard enough, theorically she could with some training learn to disconnect fully from her sense of pain just like Sayaka did but knew better than to overdo it. As painful as the wound in her head was, she couldn’t risk burning away her Soulgem with a misuse of magic such as this, better to take it slow and bear it. The pain had lessened somewhat although she still felt like having a strong migraine and her body ached, she also felt cold and starving. If her internal clock was right then 3 days had passed since she first got felled by Tomoe’s gun. She made a mental note to make her pay for it if she ever saw her again, _no, when she saw her again_.

************************************************************************

She thought she heard some noise coming from the nearby dumpster and her heart started beating faster, had someone finally found her? Was she going to be rescued? Or was Tomoe here to finish what she started?

To her surprise she heard a male voice, “what do we have here? Are you alright?”. Finally! She was finally safe! She wanted to ask for help and thank the heavens for having finally helped her. “Tsk tsk tsk, that’s one ugly wound, but you seem pretty lively AND such a hottie…, such a beautiful girl like you to not be taken would be a waste, wouldn’t it”. Her heart skipped a beat and she felt all her blood freeze on her body, she started breathing harder, she had heard wrong, hadn’t she? This couldn’t be happening.

She felt something rough and calloused grabbing at her face, his hands, _what are you doing!_ She thought in desperation. She felt a cold and hard slap on her face, pain shot through her body as her head got turned by the force of the strike and blood rolled through her head, she tried to scream for help but found she was unable to.

“No waking huh, guess I’ll have some fun then, heheheh” a cold voice, a sick voice, as rotten as the litter that surrounded her. She felt those hands going through her neck, calloused, cold, putrid. She could feel his filthy breath on her face now, a mixture of cigar and cheap alcohol, with the smell of someone that hadn’t brushed his teeth in a lifetime, she wanted to vomit.

The hands kept caressing her body, _no please don’t, I’ll do anything but please stop!_ Pleaded her, or at least tried to, but no one could hear her, nor her assailant, nor anyone that could have done something to help her. The hands went to her shirt and lifted it, exposing her pale tender flesh beneath, she feld a cold spread through her body and her eyes tearing up, this can’t be happening, it just can’t. The hands touching everything, corrupting her body, spreading their disease everywhere…they kept going down, up to her skirt, she pleaded for someone, anyone to help her, _please save me, Madoka, Tomoe san, anyone, please!_.

Her skirt was undone and her panties shredded, it seemed her assailant was getting desperate. And so was she.

Homura had done and seen many things across the timelines she had gone through in the dream of saving Madoka, she had fought against eldritch abominations beyond human ken and knowledge, she had deceived, punished and even ocasionally murdered enemies and allies alike, all to save “her”, her future and life, the life of her one, only and most precious friend she ever had. But nothing had prepared Homura for facing the filth of mankind itself. As her assailant had his way with her, feeling him inside of her, tainting her body and corrupting, his stinky smell the only thing permanent with all the filth that she had endured until now, she came to realize that witches were just a consequence of human filth, in the end it all came back to mankind, it was corrupt and hopeless and witches were a manifestation of it, but the world would always be a corrupt and horrible place as long as humans kept true to their nature. She tried to focus on those reflections, spending her magical energy on disconnecting completely from what she was feeling and keeping from thinking about what was happening, otherwise she knew she would most certainly go mad with the horror and realization as her body was violated in untold ways.

But if she went mad and fell to despair a witch would surely follow, a witch that would reverse the tables and destroy her assailant, wouldn’t that be desirable? As a Puellae with brain damage she couldn’t fend off his assailant despite “it” (she tried to forget the notions of “it” having any humanity at all, after all, someone that raped a young injured girl couldn’t be classified as human at all) being only human but her witch form would surely do it with ease. Wouldn’t that be nice? Wouldn’t it be great to turn the tables for once? She was tiring of playing hero, she wasn’t made for that after all. _But then you won’t be able to save Madoka_ said another voice in her head and she felt herself despairing.

And what about turning the hourglass once it was all over? This wasn’t her body after all, only a shell from which she controlled everything, _a zombie_ Sayaka would say. She could just remake it all and make as if it had never happened, now if only she could erase her memory of this event…she felt sweat and saliva sticking on her face as her assailant nibbled on her ear and kissed her, gross.

And what if this was the time she actually managed to save Madoka? Would she be able to like with the knowledge of what had happened? The answer as much pain as it caused her was very simple, YES. She would learn to live and go through all that just for her, she had to.

It was over just as it started, her assailant left her body fall like a rag doll and went away. It was at this moment that Homura reconnected with her senses and waves of pain and horror coursed through her body. She felt exposed, cold and livid. Some parts of her body ached more than others, those where he had kissed and bitten her she thought. A soft moan of pain escaped her mouth and she felt her skin cold to the air around her, and sticky, certainly she was covered in something she didn’t want to think about, and she ached a lot down there, there was blood there, she was sure of it and was grateful she was able to disconnect before. She didn’t know if she would have been able to endure otherwise. He hadn’t even taken the care to cover her back, and so, she rested like that, naked, as trying to move was still beyond her ability, it was getting cold and it was darker now than before. Her inner clock told her night was coming and she shivered at the thought of what had happened, it just wasn’t right, nothing was right and wouldn’t be right ever again, not even after saving Madoka, there was no salvation for her, she had always known it but this was it, things just couldn’t get worse, could they?

************************************************************************

He brought friends…as if what had happened before wasn’t horrible enough, she now had to endure it six times over, if her senses indicated right. It was hopeless, everything was hopeless and it was senseless to fight. _There’s no point, disconnect, disconnect, you’re at Mitakihara school, you’re talking with Madoka and having lots of fun, this isn’t real, actually, its just a nightmare, and you’re telling it to Madoka and she consoles you, and tells you everything’s going to be alright, and she won’t let such horrible things happen to you, it must be, it must be_ …she wanted to scream, she felt tears coming out of her eyes but doubted they noticed, they were too busy having fun at her expense. The horror had multiplied as they bit and broke her skin, she felt herself contaminated, filthy, underesving of this existence, she wished only to dissapear and be done with it. Felt the pain as they entered her in places that weren’t meant for it, that she knew of at least, and felt like they were going to break her in two. She bled, she cried inside as they kept going, enjoying themselves at her expense, she was a doll in their hands, a flesh doll, that’s all they saw in her, and it was all like a play, yeah, it was a play! It was a drama and a horror story, it was all made by some sadistic autor somewhere, someone completely sick and rotten to the core just like the men (were they allowed to be called that?) that were doing this to her. But she didn’t want to be an actor anymore, she wanted to create her own play, one beautiful stage of destruction where she controlled what happened and where she could save her and find the peace she longed for at long last…her magic was almost gone, she could feel the end was coming.

************************************************************************

Everything was more vivid now, according to her clock four days had passed already, not that it mattered anyway. He came early this time, she wondered how could someone be so sick and feel excited in an alley, surrounded by all the stinky trash and filth everywhere. Her magic was close to zero, she was going to dissapear and become a witch, she knew it, she would die and bring about the end for everybody, _Madoka, I’m sorry…_

  
He entered her again, it hurt like hell, she would never get used to it, and she certainly would never like it. She felt a jolt of pain and shook her hand as a response, wait, did she really shake her hand? She felt it all more clearly, her limbs, it had some weak movement, if only she could reach for her shield, she would vaporize him instantly…no, she had to think it through, formulate a plan, wait her time. Even after becoming a magical girl she had always been all about cunning, she knew she couldn’t win against a more powerful enemy, she was below average, almost useless, so she relied on plans and strategy to get through, yeah, she had to, just a little more and…he slapped her, hard, he also bit her neck and thighs until they bled and she kept her scream to herself, letting only a muffled cry as he increased the pace. She hated him, hated him with all her strenght, almost as much as Walpurgisnacht…almost.

************************************************************************

Six days had passed since she came to be in the alleyway, her body was completely covered in filth now, she felt herself dirty too, she knew the feeling would never go away…but she could finally mover her hand, more or less. He came again, she could clearly get a look of him now, skinny and dressed in rags, skin covered in filth, with black fingers and calloused hands, long nails, black and yellow teeth, greasy and long hair full of tangles. She wanted to vomit. _Wait for it, wait for it_ , was all she could think, she had to make it, it was now or never. He undressed again, a hairy and filthy body, with a look of utter perversion as he approached her broken and naked body. He came close to her, she knew she had to make it, he was about to get inside of her again, she couldn’t belive someone like him had done that to her, he touched her developing breasts and she felt herself shudder, she wanted to kill him how, but she had to wait, just a little more, get closer, come on!

He crouched for a kiss in the lips when he suddenly found an army knife stuck in his “it”. “Aaaaaaaaaaah” he screamed and trashed as he tried to get up but found out the knife now sticking on his neck, a rivulet spray came from it non-stop as Homura stabbed one, two, three times, and kept stabbing and stabbing, tears of anguish and horror came from her as she stabbed him on the chest, stomach, legs, face, his face went blank and his eyes rolled backwards as he fell soundly on the concrete. Blood kept flowing from his wounds, the crimson liquid tainting and flowing through the floor, dark blood, just like the darkness on his soul.

Her hands where all soaked, her body was all soaked in blood and other fluids she’d rather not think about and she kept stabbing and stabbing, as if doing so would erase what had happened, she had to. She stopped only until he looked more like a mush paste and had lost all likeness to what once had been a human body. That’s when she fell to the side, she was naked, cold, dirty, and dying as what felt like poison ran through her body, she knew the moment had come, she was about to turn into a witch, she transformed for the last time and sought the one thing that could save her. A grief seed (Candeloro's of all things, oh the irony), bingo! Came from her shield, with haste she cleaned the completely black soul gem and felt her soul lighten up a little. She was exhausted.

************************************************************************

Homura woke up to the bloody remains of what once had been her assailant and she felt like tearing her eyes out to prevent herself from looking at it again. She thought better. Left with little strength to transform, and no grief seeds left, she took the remains of her clothing and dressed herself as best as she could, she stunk.

She ran and ran, trying to get home as fast as she could, it was midnight by the time she had woken up and no people seemed to be on the street. Most probably because the alley she went to was a place where suicides had occured often, the perpetrator was a witch that she had taken the care to finish swiftly, but the legend hadn’t gone away and the place was still mostly alone. She panted for breath as she came closer to her home, the cold midnight air blowing through her half naked frame. It was a miracle she had survived the cold nights on her own and she found she had caught a cold, it would take some time for her to get over everything that had happened, if she ever did.

She finally came home, the place was empty of everything but her bed. Without the magic to sustain it, the illusionary magic she used to ambient her home and order her information had faded away leaving the scrapped and stained white walls, with bits of blue paper peeling away as flaks and dried blood from previous skirmishes. She was completely exhausted, she didn’t even feel like taking a bath, all she wanted was to die and stop all this suffering.

She was finally here, at long last. But to her surprise she found someone she hadn’t expected to see, not now, she didn’t know if she had the strength to do so. A wide eyed Madoka came up to her as she opened the door to her home, and from the look of her eyes and face she had been crying too. “Homura-chan?” said Madoka in a scared tone, “what happened? Where were you? Everybody’s been so scared about your dissapearance! And why are you like that?!?!? What happened?!?!?!” asked Madoka visibly scared about Homura’s unbuttoned blouse and falling skirt which were the only things covering her body, she was a complete mess. It was just too much for Homura and she fell to the floor sobbing, crying out all the pain she had gone through on that hellish week.

“Homura-chan…”, Madoka was beginning to cry too, and even though Homura stank, Madoka went over and embraced her, Homura flinched at her best friends touch and resisted the urge to push her away. “I was so scared Homura-chan, that something horrible had happened to you”, _and you were right_ , was Homura’s thought, but she couldn’t express it, instead she cried more loudly this time, in the end, it was Madoka who saved her, always, in some way or another. How useless was she anyway?

************************************************************************

That night Homura lost another piece of her heart, and she had nightmares of grown men on rags chasing after her, torturing her on her sleep ever after, she took the next 27 loops chasing after the gang along with saving Madoka and killed each of them, one at a time, until she finally got too caught with saving Madoka that couldn’t spare them any more thought.

Mami Tomoe met a gruesome end in may different ways on the next 83 loops until Homura couldn't spare her any more thought and only saw her as a distant figure. It was Madoka who mattered after all.

The drill instructor facade was scrapped as not being intimidating enough, and she started flinching at everybody’s touch, even Madoka from then on…

**Author's Note:**

> So this is it, hopefully it managed to give a disturbing read and be a companion to "But the din in my head, it's too much and its no good" and "Secondhand Savior" by SailorPtah and Measured respectively and be read and added to the amount of despair Homura has accumulated through the timelines (honestly, her despair is astronomical and if recontracting I believe she could easily beat Madoka's!).
> 
> Also thought about what would happen if there was a role reversal for Homura on the "Secondhand Savior" story but discovered that it couldn't happen as Homurambo would most surely obliterate her assailant before he even managed to get close and there were only two options:
> 
> Either it had to be Moemura the one assaulted which would provoke she changed her personality earlier than desired for me (I try to keep it canon) and she wouldn't dare kill her assailant opting for stopping time and running, or Homura had to be disabled, which to me was far more plausible. And here it is!


End file.
